I think we’ve all been in this situation before. Regardless of the scenario or location – you could be talking to your boss at work, a colleague, a friend, a family member, or just about anyone. You’re having a conversation, attempting to get your ideas and thoughts across, but you notice they don’t seem fully present. They don’t seem interested, and it’s almost as if they’re only half-listening to what you’re saying.
This can be particularly frustrating because you’re genuinely trying to have a good conversation – sharing your ideas, talking about something you care about, and possibly even offering valuable insights with the best intentions. You’re then left feeling unimportant and ignored.
So, what went wrong? Is it that you were saying something unimportant? Or maybe it’s that you’re uneducated on the topic and the other person picked up on it?
The likelihood is that neither of these is true. It often boils down to one key factor: the issue lies in how you’re communicating, not what you’re communicating.
Luckily, this is something that can be learned and improved by simply tweaking the way we express ourselves and approach conversations.
Many of us make the mistake of entering a conversation with a selfish perspective – a me-first mindset. We fall into the habit of being overly eager to speak, simply waiting for our turn instead of truly listening to the person in front of us. More often than not, we’re just rehearsing our own points in our head while they’re talking, looking for the next opportunity to jump in and make our voice heard.
And yet, we wonder why the other person seems disconnected – why they lack trust in what we’re saying, or why they appear to not care at all. The truth is, it’s because of how we’re making them feel. Ironically, we’re making them feel the exact same way we’re feeling: unheard, unimportant, and ignored.
It all comes down to our communication approach.
Can you really blame them for responding this way? Think about it – if someone doesn’t truly listen to you, constantly talks about themselves, and shows little interest in what you have to say, would you want to keep the conversation going?
With that being said, let’s go over three ways we can tweak how we communicate in order to have better and more meaningful conversations:
Make them the centre of attention
“Talk to someone about themselves and they’ll listen for hours” – Dale Carnegie
This might sound contrary to what you are trying to achieve but one of the best ways for you to be heard is by making the other person feel heard first. Its basic psychology – when someone feels that you are actually listening and paying attention to what they have to say, they bring their guard down, build trust with you and become more open. They are more likely to give you the same attention in return to which you have shown them. Take the extra time to ask them more questions about themselves and follow up on points which they have mentioned – it shows you are listening to listen instead of listening to respond. They will be much more likely to meet you half way in the middle and your conversations will become much more fulfilled.
Criticise Less and Appreciate More
I am sure you can agree, but there Is nothing more annoying than being criticised especially when it wasn’t asked for. There is no greater way than to shut down the potential of a good and productive conversation than to criticise someone and be negative towards them.
“Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain – and most fools do” – Dale Carnegie
Whether you are conversing with someone generally or whether you are trying to get something from someone or maybe get through to them, the worst thing you could lead with is criticism. When you do this you put the other person on the defensive, they stop listening and their walls go up instead. However if you approach them first with a compliment or a form of appreciation, you will be able to get through to them more effectively. This doesn’t mean that you can never give negative feedback or even disagree with someone’s point, but it’s much more effective if you can lead with some form of positivity before getting your point across. This may look like one of the following example’s in real life practice:
“You’ve been doing an amazing job keeping the team organised and on track – your leadership really shows. I was thinking, though, we might improve even more if we adjusted the way we’re handling deadlines a bit”.
“I really admire how thoughtful you are when we talk things out. That’s why I wanted to bring something up – I’ve been feeling a little unheard lately, and I’d love if we could work on that together”.
Now lets go over ways we can implement these into our day to day conversations:
Ask Better Questions
When conversing try to ask better questions, questions which appeal to the emotional side of the person we are speaking to – it will make you more memorable. Examples of this may be:
“What made you get Into that”
“What makes you love that so much”
“What was that experience like for you”
Show Appreciation in Conversation
When you are speaking with someone and you catch something you like or think they do well. Let them know. Make it sincere and honest and not about flattery. People can tell the difference. This may look like:
“I really like how you handled that”
“You made a great point the other day and it stuck with me”
Listen to Listen and Not to Respond
When conversing with someone, remain present in the moment and keep good eye contact, don’t interrupt, touch back on points they made when they last spoke. Show them that they matter by giving them your attention.
Avoid blatant criticism
Instead of jumping straight into trying to prove someone wrong and correcting them, ask them questions first to understand their approach better. This may look like this:
“What made you do it that way”
“Have you thought about doing it this way”
“I like the way you did this but if you changed your approach slightly it could be more effective”
This turns it more into a collaboration process and avoids someone becoming defensive.
Conclusion
Throughout your life, the relationships you build could define everything – from your career, your friendships, your dating life and your family. Learning how to communicate effectively is one of the most valuable skills you can improve and applying everything we have discussed will get you well on your way to having more meaningful and productive conversations. Be the guy who listens, who lifts others up and who doesn’t need to tear people down to stand tall. Be the guy who gets people — and you’ll never be ignored again.
Inspired by How to Win Friends and Influence People